I laughed as I did some research looking for a word or two describing us over middle-aged adults. The descriptions weren’t shocking because I have heard them, but they may sting a little; unyoung, pensioned, doddering, decrepit, over the hill, geriatric, elderly, senior, older adult, and if you are in your 60’s but have not reached 70 you are a sexagenarian. There are more and I am sure you could help me extend the list.
Wow, is this what getting older means, fitting into someone else’s idea of what it is like to mature? Some of these words seem to come with a derogatory definition, most likely coined by those who haven’t reached this age. Most days you might not feel like any of these terms describe you and you can laugh, but on other days “if the shoe fits”. The truth is we go through stages. We do have some different issues as we get older. At this point we have weathered some storms that have left their mark. We may be more afraid of what lies ahead of us or grieving what we have left behind. Older doesn’t have to mean life is over, but some of our experiences may have left us questioning our purpose, where we fit in and what is next for us?
A few things to consider…..
Have you retired and are wondering what’s next?
Are you struggling to find a new routine for your daily life? You thought you would enjoy not having to go to work every day and sleep in for as long as you want, but oddly you don’t seem to need as much sleep as you did before. You and the significant other person in your life are spending more time together. Hmm… there are positives and negatives about that. You hadn’t given much thought about these things until now. Therapy can support you in looking at where you have been, where you are now, and how to move forward and find the joy in retirement. Let’s explore what you thought retirement would look like and how close you can get to your expectations.
Do you have Financial Concerns that keep you awake at night?
Even if you were able to save for your later years, you might be anxious about how the money will last with the cost of things these days. You would like to take a trip and think you can afford it but spending the money that you put aside is making you nervous. Maybe your spouse is more worried about it than you are, and you can’t convince her it will be okay. How do the two of you work through these new issues in your life. Therapy can work with you as a couple helping you to relax more and trust yourselves in making decisions and support you in finding answers for concerns that might be creating conflict between you.
Are you feeling lonely as you get older?
You don’t have to be older to feel lonely in this world, but it can be an added grief as your friends move away, you find yourself watching more television than you used to. You start to understand how Vanna and Pat Sajak on the Wheel become an important part of your day that you don’t want to miss. You may have lost interest in things that were once important to you, and you start feeling depressed and lonely. Your spouse and friends might still be working all day. You didn’t develop interests beyond work because work was stressful enough and you didn’t feel you had time to devote to hobbies. We can talk about these things in therapy and come up with a plan that can help you develop some new interests or put life back into something you used to enjoy, like, crafts, playing music or golf, spending time in nature, volunteering at something you enjoy or want to contribute to.
Have you had to downsize your home, maybe relocate to a care facility? Maybe you must move in with family after living on your own for a long time.
These issues are tough sometimes. Downsizing your home can be a challenge when your helpers think you must become a minimalist and you’re not ready for that. However, you have too much stuff to fit the space you’re going to. How do you compromise and still feel good about yourself and the final outcome?
In therapy we can talk about your goals for the next step in your life and what you want that to look like. Acceptance is sometimes the answer, but so is compromise. Just as choosing to move into a facility where you will be well taken care of but worried that it is not going to work for you. You have more questions than answers about what this means for you, and you are worried about how you will adjust. It can take an adjustment and talking with a therapist to help you voice your thoughts and feel your feelings can help. Therapy can help you find hope and , in time maybe a new perspective that encourages you to believe things can get better.
Living with family can bring on a new set of challenges that you had not considered. It was great when you visited but living with family isn’t what you thought it would be. They put the forks facing down in the dishwasher and you always stood them up. Your daughter has a different TV set up and you had just gotten used to the one you had. You can’t find your shows and they don’t watch them anyway. You have trouble hearing what they are saying, half the time, and you don’t think its your hearing? On top of that you miss your home, your neighborhood and most of all your spouse who died less that a year ago.
Life can feel pretty hopeless when you have all this going on. You may need someone to talk to but don’t want to hurt the family you love, who graciously invited you into their home, by telling them how you really feel. Anyway, all of these feelings might be a response to a temporary adjustment. Talking to a therapist can support you by listening and sorting out your feelings, maybe help you in making some changes that could help you feel more comfortable.
Let’s talk about Grief
Grief comes in so many different packages. Grief affects you physically as well as emotionally. You may have lost a spouse or a significant person in your life and grief makes sense, but that feeling of walking through wet cement has gone on too long. You’re not sure how to live without that person in your life, even if you have so many other people in your life that are supportive and caring. It doesn’t even have to be losing a partner to death. It could be to divorce or an illness that changed this person’s whole personality, so they are here… but they aren’t. That is called ambiguous loss and its real. People might experience this when their partner has Dementia, Alzheimer’s or suffered a brain injury. Therapy can help you explore your feelings of guilt when you find yourself laughing and enjoying yourself while your partner isn’t able to anymore. Let therapy help you change the narrative so that you can grieve your loss and move forward. It is okay to thrive and even enjoy life again.
If we are people of faith or not, all of these issues can cause us to question things we have always thought to be true.
The guilt and fear that can come with being afraid to feel what you really feel about your situation can be debilitating. You may worry about your changing thinking and wonder what God, as you understand Him, must think of you. Let alone, how you dare to share it with someone else? Well, you didn’t invent these feelings. Others have walked your path, and I hope you know you are not alone. You can stop blaming yourself for your feelings, realizing they are not right or wrong, they just are. A little compassion for yourself can go a long way. Some people think it’s the same as feeling sorry for yourself but it is really a tool.
Learning to have compassion for yourself is not selfishness especially when you are suffering. Self-compassion is not only essential for you but vital in caring for yourself and understanding the suffering of others, so that you can support them when they are in need. Talking with a therapist can support you in exploring what you believe and can help you see your situation from multiple perspectives. I am ready to help you do that.